Darkness
by Crimson Love20
Summary: I had broken her. I had seen it in her eyes, seen that she had believed my words the moment I told her that she meant nothing, that I didn't want her. How could she have believed such a lie? She was all I'd had in this world.' Edward's thoughts...


**All right. So here is my one-shot for the 20th. Six months without my mom, and I miss you no less than when you first left us. Rest in peace and know that we will always love you.**

**Disclaimer: The beautiful, intense, raw world of Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer, not me. I only tell Edward's pain through my own eyes.**

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I sat and rocked, alone. Oh so alone. I had purposely cut myself off from my siblings. Jasper couldn't stand to be around me any more. The only thing that I saw was her face. Her beautiful, innocent face that had fallen, twisted, and crumbled when I told her the biggest lie of my entire existence. I had broken her. I had seen it in her eyes, seen that she had believed my words the moment I told her that she meant nothing, that I didn't want her.

How could she have believed such a lie?

She was all I'd had in this world. She was the only joy I had ever known, and the only one I _would_ ever know. My mind was hazy, remembering only us with clarity. Every other mundane, insignificant thought that pushed itself into my mind was quickly tossed out. I needed no distractions. All I had of her now were my memories. My family - it hurt to think of the word and not see _her_ face with us - tried to stay away from me. They tried to cut their thoughts off, knowing how much pain I was in.

Of course, they would never know the true pain of losing their love. My siblings all had someone that they could count on without worry or anxiety. I was alone, solitary, and devastated, pushed into a dark hole that offered no solace, no help whatsoever. It felt like I was disconnected from everything, save for her memory, which I was, in a way. I rarely moved and never spoke. I kept my mind focused on her face. Every moment we'd spent together, I brought it back to me. I recalled her scent, but it was not the same.

I couldn't see her eyes light up in happiness or hear her heart race. I could remember, that was true, but memories could grow old quickly. I would never forget her - not for one moment. There was a glow around my love that brought everyone around her happiness. Those who had disliked her such as her old friend, Jessica, and that spoiled child, Lauren, were oblivious to the warmth and loyalty her brown eyes held. They refused to notice every good thing about her that had completely and utterly captivated me.

I had fallen for her before I realized I was falling. Loving her was second nature to me - it was like breathing, when I was human. I didn't have to think about it. The adoration I felt for her was only natural, something that automatically came with existing. She had loved me back, which I couldn't understand, no matter how many times she tried to explain it to me. I was a monster, a demon, created by the devil, and it showed the night of her birthday.

I winced and tightened my grip around my legs, rocking even faster now that I was reminded of the moment that I knew I would lose her. She had been so calm, though I had thrown her to the floor, slicing her arm open. Her blood had flowed steadily, and I knew that I would lose control if I didn't do something. One good thing that came from that night was the fact that Carlisle had remained calm. I knew Jasper felt exceedingly guilty for what had occurred, and I had tried time and time again to convince him that it wasn't his fault.

He had only given me a slap in the face. I had needed that wake-up call. There were worse things that could have happened that night, and Jasper's small slip had made the possibilites endless. I hated myself. I loathed myself for putting her into such danger. I knew better than to place a human in the middle of the vampire world. We had already seen the dangers of the nomadic vampires when we had dealt with Laurent, James, and Victoria.

A low growl slid through my lips in remembrance of James's face as he sank his teeth into my love's wrist. I clenched my eyes shut when I recalled how she had screamed and thrashed in agony because I had failed to protect her. And I remembered with horror the feeling of helplessness I'd had when I drank her blood to save her life. At the time, thought had ceased to exist. The only thing that mattered to me was draining her of every last drop of life. But I forced myself to stop, to think of life without her. That thought was too much to bear, and the monster in me reluctantly released her.

I was pulled from my reverie by the soft footsteps of my once-favorite sister. She still would be my favorite, if I acted alive. She sat down, crossing her legs, sitting in front of me. She hesitantly reached a hand out and touched my forearm. I pulled my arm back slightly, uncomfortable with the contact. The only touch I craved was her warm palm, wrapping sinuously around my hand, twining her fingers with my own.

"Edward?" Alice murmured, retracting her hand and laying it by her side. I couldn't bring myself to look at her. I was such a disappointment to this family. I had let everyone down. I'd broken promises, forced us to move, caused angst among my siblings. They all worried about me, and I refused to let them. The least I could do was give them the relief of not seeing how shredded my sanity was.

"Will you at least go hug Esme? She really misses you." I knew Alice was trying her hardest to make this work, but I had no energy, no will, no life. I had willingly left everything with her, knowing the oblivion I was forcing myself to crawl into. My family, on the other hand, had no idea of my inward downhill spiral. They pretended that I wasn't getting worse, but the truth hit them harder with every passing minute that I refused to speak, refused to talk . . . refused to even _try_ to have a semblance of the life I once led.

I heard Alice's quiet sigh. _We could always try to have Jasper help you, _she offered silently, her thoughts laced with desperation and concern. The thought of causing my brother even more pain was horrific enough. He didn't need to endure my suffering. I moved my head to the left then to the right, using some of our old techniques for speaking when we didn't want the rest of the family knowing we were carrying on a silent conversation.

I sensed, rather than saw, Alice nod her head sadly. "I really hope you get better, Edward," she whispered sincerely, kissing my cheek quickly before leaving me to my self-imposed solitude. Every now and again, Carlisle or Esme would come to my room to just sit with me and think. They knew I wasn't ready to speak yet. I feared in a corner of my mind that I would soon go crazy. Each memory of our time shared only caused another piece of my heart - now shriveled and useless - to rip off, leaving a jagged tear in its place. I hated the pain each second brought me, and I found myself often wondering why I had left my one and only. I would then be reminded of my thoughts as her arm had bled onto the floor.

I had been so close to losing control that night. I was walking a thin line, and one wrong word or move could have snapped it. I knew I walked a tenuous lifestyle, loving a human, but existing as a vampire. And that human had the strangest reactions. Whenever I thought she would be angry at me or terrified, she was neither. Her responses to my vampiric nature were unsettling and strange. She had accepted me fully and wholly, and I had pushed her away, saying that I didn't need her, I didn't want her.

Such a blatant lie. I was sure she would have noticed the way my hands shook, or the way my voice had come so close to breaking. When her angelic face had fallen, I thought I was going to take it back that very moment. I knew it was physically impossible for me to be sick, but I was positive that it was going to happen. She nodded distantly, and I saw the light fade from her eyes. She had believed me, and that had stunned me into silence for a few seconds. After months of telling her that I loved her, she could believe that I didn't want her to be with me with one sentence? It seemed absurd to think, but it was the truth.

And now here I was, a nervous wreck. I had no idea what I looked like, but after seeing worried glimpses from the minds of my family, I was afraid to look in a mirror. I knew I was much paler than usual, but other than that, I was relatively clueless to my appearance.

I had no sense of date or time. I didn't know how long it had been since I'd left the town of Forks, and with it, Bella.

I shot forward, pain pulsing through me as I thought her name. I had been careful to avoid it in my thoughts, only referring to her as 'love', 'her', or 'she.' Every memory I had of her came rushing to the surface, excited to hear her name after such agony. I saw her gorgeous mahogany hair, falling in loose waves around her face, her deep, soulful brown eyes that spoke her maturity in volumes. I saw her full, pink lips, and her cheeks tinged with her signature blush. I gasped at the sight and felt my heart snap at the realization that she would never be mine again. Jasper's soft gasp below gave away my pain to the rest of my family. I curled my hands tightly in my hair, tugging every so often to distract myself. I felt my lips moving, but I wasn't making any sound. I wasn't even sure what I was mouthing. I concentrated on the feel of my lips and realized that I was mouthing, _I'm so sorry, love. I love you_.

I whimpered, unable to stop the torn sound. There was an eerie feeling in the house. I noticed that it was completely silent, a first, even with the events that had been happening. Everyone had been trying to live their lives as best they could, knowing in their hearts that it was what I wanted, though I wouldn't voice it.

_Edward? _Emmett thought cautiously. _We're here for you, if you ever need us. I hope you know that. _I knew that. I knew it better than they realized. But this was my problem, not theirs. It was my choice, and it was my punishment. They had no reason to suffer through this with me.

I lifted my eyes wearily to the clock and wanted to scream at what I saw. It had only been nine days since we had left Forks. Nine days had felt like eternity. I wasn't sure how I would survive without my love with me to provide me comfort, but the one thought that gave me a small bit of relief was that she was living a normal life now, without interference from supernatural things.

With that thought, I turned my attention back to the black hole that threatened to crush me, contain me, control me. I felt the pieces of my unbeating heart slowly breaking away and being sucked into that vacuum of nothingness. I closed my eyes and gave myself to it. I had no idea how long I sat there, but when I finally opened my eyes, I felt different.

The pain was still there, and it was still sharp, raw, and intense, but I felt like I had receded into a shell - almost like I wasn't really controlling my body anymore. I was merely stuck inside the place where my heart had gone.

And I found that I liked this place a little bit better.

_Only the rest of existence to go, _I thought distantly.

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Please review?

**February 28, 1961 - July 20, 2009 : I miss you.**

**- J.C.**


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